I Chose Happiness-Depression Chose Me

As many of you may know, I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and panic and it has lead to many issues for me that are hard to explain.

If those around me don't understand depression correctly, it can result in difficult and painful exchanges with well meaning people, the loss of friends and more. I have had to deal with that.

I post this video in the hopes that my friends would take 4 minutes to watch. This is an excellent explanation. I actually could check things off in it, one by one, so in this video you are getting a very good picture of me.

The biggest thing that I would like people to understand is that it is not made up, and just because I have it, it doesn't make me weak or less of a person. Many things have been said to me, some with good intentions, that have actually caused me more harm than good and that is because I truly believe there is a lack of understanding and education.

So again, a little more than 4 minutes can lead to an understanding and a basic tool to help those that are suffering. 

I choose happiness every morning. I write in my gratitude journal daily. If I actually get out of my house to an event, I wear my smile like one puts a coat on. The problem with that is that the coat is overwhelming and heavy and hard to keep on and I am drained by the weight of it.

I used to keep this a secret because of how the people around me talked about depression like it wasn't serious or real or how they talked about people who had it and made fun of them. As time passes and I experience very low lows, I have a harder time hiding it. 

I used to work very hard to try to be "normal" or the person that I was at one point, but in the end, I have to embrace my "new normal". I have to realize that society hasn't yet embraced it like a broken arm or a cold...those things heal...depression is on its own time table.

This is the hardest blog I will probably ever write, but I am going to be brave and do so in the hopes that this will help not only me, but those around me.

Last First Day of School

While everyone is posting their back-to-school, first day of school pictures, I am sitting quietly with my thoughts.

This is the first year, I didn't bug Lauren, about taking a picture on the first day of school-her senior year. I was kind of hoping she would ask, but respect that she didn't.

It seems like just yesterday when we were known at the YMCA of Beaver Dam as the Mom and daughter who came in every single day of preschool and could be heard from down the hallway because of Lauren's screaming and crying. This painful ritual happened every single day for an entire year. It was awful. While I knew that I couldn't, all I wanted was to take her home and never make her leave the house for school again.

It just seems like yesterday that I sent each of the kids off that first day of school, with tears running down my face. I remember all the thoughts whirling through my head about wanting them to have great days and make great choices, but the main thought always was, "Don't forget how much you are loved and how proud I am of you. Believe in yourself and your dreams."

After getting them to the school, I would call their Dad, Bill, and through my tears try to describe what those first day of school pictures couldn't capture. There weren't enough words or tissues for that.

It is so bittersweet to have Lauren, enter into her last year at Beaver Dam High School. You see while she is taking that big step into her senior year at high school, she is also taking the first step into walking away to create her own life. 

No matter where any of my kid's footsteps take them, I hope that they know that I still carry them in my heart and will always do so. I still worship the ground they walk on (even if it is littered with dirty laundry, books, etc.), and I will always be there to help them up if they are feeling down.

People talk about Bucket Lists and one of the things that I can check off mine is having fantastic kids.

Things I Can’t Make Up

There have been a lot of circumstances in my life in which I have had people say to me, “You just can’t make that up”, and today is certainly another one of those times.

One of these things happened a while ago. I went through a divorce. Lots of people do it and it had me thrown for a loop and there have been highs and lows involved going through the process. I was married to a man named, Bill. After the divorce, when I thought that no one would want to get involved with someone that came with three teenage kids, a friendship that I had, took a turn and there was, indeed, some interest from a man.  He didn't have any kids, but two dogs and two cats. Not only was he interested, but after some time, I realized I was too. His name is Bill. Not only is his name, Bill, but his name is William Thomas Johnson. My ex-husband’s name is William Thomas Ladwig. No, I can’t make this up.

As Johnson and I got closer and I started to introduce him to people, there was that awkward moment when I would have to say, “Yes, you heard me right, his name is Bill and not only is his name Bill, but they have the same middle name as well”.  The next awkward moment after that is when the befuddled people I just shared my news with were trying to figure out how to differentiate which Bill they were talking to me about. Names like: “Old Bill,” and “New Bill”, along with “Ex-Bill”, and “Better Bill”, or “Your kid’s Dad”, and “Your new husband,” were used. Then came my Dad’s famous line…”She did this so she didn't have to change the monogrammed towels”!

Initially, there was awkwardness when we were all together at events. It is to be expected in such circumstances, no matter what the name. Over time, there were less awkward moments and more moments of us just trying to do the right thing with parenting the kids. We made some major decisions, the three of us, and have proven to be on the same page with what we wanted for the kids.

More time passed and I realized that I had not only obtained an ex-husband, but also rekindled a friendship with him.

The two Bill’s share a lot of the same likes and dislikes and one of their big likes is music-both played in bands in high school, both play guitar and both love the same kind of music.

I bought Ladwig, one of his guitars during the time we were married. I would get frustrated that he never seemed to learn a song all the way through-just bits and pieces. I bought Johnson a new guitar as well and struggled through listening to him play just bits and pieces of songs.

Fast forward to today: there is a Basement Band. It started with Johnson, and his co-workers, Nate, and Craig. They started out practicing at Craig’s house, however, Craig has kids at home that need to do things like studying and such, so I decided to extend the invitation to have practice over here in our basement. I gave myself the title of, “Band Manager”, and encourage them to do the best that they can. Bill and I have set-up the basement with band lighting, amps, a fridge for the beer, coat hooks and the convenience of using the side door of the house to haul equipment in and out. I have embraced the band and even have found myself enjoying listening as they have improved.

I don’t remember when it occurred to me that Ladwig might like to join the band and jam with the guys. I do remember thinking that I would just throw it out there and see what would happen. I mentioned it and there was a hint of interest. I emailed the set list to Ladwig. He already knew quite a few songs on the list but informed me that until he got his new guitar and amp, that he wouldn't be able to practice.

On Sunday of this week, I talked to my daughter, Lauren, and she said she was in Madison with her Dad getting his amp.

This morning, Johnson mentions that an impromptu band practice was going to happen tonight in the basement. I mentioned that I knew that Ladwig had his amp and that he should shoot him an invite. I guess the whole time, I wasn't too sure how this was going to go. Would it be a good idea to have both Bill’s in a band together? We are all adults, right?!

Fast forward to 5 pm today-I get out of my vehicle after work to hear the sounds of band practice. I make my way down the basement steps to see four band members practicing away, both Bill’s jamming out and both grinning from ear to ear. I listen to them finish the song. It is as if Ladwig has been with them the whole time as they worked their way through the songs. In this moment, I know that while I can’t make “this” up, “this” has turned out to be an amazing thing.

We discuss the first gig…discuss dates…discuss the set up… and I walk back up the stairs. I feel shock but also feel happy. At the end of the day, this is what life is about. It is about going through the ebbs and flows with an attitude of making it work, no matter what "it" is.

While I don’t know where the Basement Band is heading, I do know that it has made a positive impact for all of us involved. Play On.

Johnson attempts a band "Selfie"

Ladwig and Craig

Nate brings it home with the hair and the jacket!

   

The Basement Band...yet to be named. 

Guitar/Amp ClipArt from: Laura Roberts 

Band ClipArt from: kurtgallagher.com 

A New Scarf

David Geschke April 6, 2013 at 5:52 AM

Great post. You're a very good writer. If you have a passion to write, get out of your own way - write! Passion is God's way of telling us His will. Doubt is the ego's way of keeping us focused on what we DON'T want for ourselves. From there we all have the choice which path to follow. Many people get so caught up in ego based activity they lose track of their passions, never follow their dreams. Be quiet, get in touch with your soul's yearning... from there it's just a matter of believing in yourself.

The above comment was made April 6, 2013 on another blog I had posted. I have been thinking about it ever since.

First of all, I have never had someone I admire so much as a writer themselves, say to me, that I am a very good writer. I have let those words bounce around in my head ever since I read them and I imagine them to be like a whole bucket of ping pong balls dropped from a tall building only to land bouncing and scattering all over on the pavement below. I don’t ever think I will be able to collect those words back up into my bucket and be able to have them all line up in order in my brain in a way with which I would believe them.

Does that mean that I think Dave is a liar? Would he really just throw those words at me and not mean them? Anyone who knows Dave, knows he doesn't say what he doesn't mean.

He speaks of passion in his comment and I know deep down in my heart that I am truly passionate about finding a way to combine my love of photography, my love of writing and my drive to help people into something that would actually make a decent living for me.

Doubt.

Just uttering that word is like putting on that familiar winter scarf that you wrap around your neck to keep the chill out. It is something you don’t think about until it is cold and even then, you don’t think about it when you reach for it to wrap around you. Doubt is like that familiar scarf. I reach for that because it is a familiar feeling to me and is an excuse to not attack what I am most afraid of.

Let me tell you a little more about the scarf. I have had it ever since I can remember and it was given to me by someone very special. Scarf equals doubt in the above two sentences. Doubt-I have had it ever since I can remember and doubt was given to me by someone very special. You want to believe those around you who say that they are there to love you and support you and they mean well when they give you their advice, however, when it comes down to passion and dreams, the only one you should truly be listening to is yourself.

Over the years, the scarf has taken a beating. I have been rough on it. It is weathered and has a few spots that are worn through and truth be told, it isn't doing its job anymore and I am starting to notice it. It is hard to let it go. There are new scarves available, but I am so used to that scarf. It seems a shame to throw it away. 

Over the years, doubt has taken a beating. I have used it to fight many battles. I have been rough on it because it was there and became larger than life. As the years go by, doubt is no longer doing its job. My spirit is becoming stronger than what my doubt can handle and my dreams aren't kept wrapped up in it any more. They keep slipping through the worn holes in my doubt and they are more and more something that I can almost catch a hold of.

Dave was right. He called my bluff. He held open my box full of new scarves and challenged me to reach in and grab them. My fear keeps getting in the way. I am standing in my own way and the more that I think about it, the less I want to be a barrier to myself.

Believe in yourself.

I repeat this constantly hoping that if I keep stitching it into my spirit a new and beautiful scarf will appear. It will be in the pattern of my dreams and my spirit and I will no longer reach for the old one, but will wear this new one with pride because it is fits perfectly. 

More Observations While Walking At Lunch

Observations from my walk today: 


1. I never noticed before that my love for tree tunnels while driving, extends to tree tunnels over sidewalks!

2. Love the flag swag as well.

3. Where are all the kids?! It is summer, people and as a kid, I was outside way more than I was in and on my walk I only saw 3 kids!!!

4. I must find where to get deep pink cone flowers-just gorgeous (would have had to walk on their yard to get a picture)

5. Mother Nature needs to get her hormones in line. Note the tree that not only had changed colors for fall but was dropping leaves. 

6. I still scream when bugs land on my shoulder even when in public!

It is just me and my shadow and that's the way I like it on these kind of walks. 

Originally written on August 6, 2014

Observations While Walking

Observations while walking at lunch:

1. I always thought fall was my favorite season, but clearly, summer is a close second because of all the beautiful blooming flowers.

2. I am obsessed with said, "beautiful blooming flowers", because it would seem that most people don't know to "dead head" so that more flowers come back. If you ever notice me in a yard that isn't mine, dead heading some flowers, send for help, or come help me get done quick so we can leave the property.

3. Not many people have vegetable gardens anymore, but those that do have gardens that are ginormous! (For the record, I commend your efforts, but know that if I can see a ripe tomato from the road, I might also end up in your garden picking it!)

4. I really enjoy to see the American Flag blowing in the wind and wish more homes would put the flag out daily. 

5. I need a different playlist when walking...(clearly it was too boring if I am doing too much thinking and not enough singing!)

6. Finally, I don't like to sweat. I know it is good for me. I. Don't. Like. To. Sweat. The picture here is black and white so you can't see the sweat pouring off of me...

Originally written on August 5, 2014

First Holiday Letter 2013

My first holiday letter to Mark Zuckerberg:

Dear Mark, 

I hope that while I am ending up in your "Other" folder because we aren't personally connected, I would like to wish you a Happy Holidays. You see, while you aren't connected to me, you really know more about me than most and so when I was feeling down about not having the beautiful family picture card to send out this season, I realized, I don't need it because of you!

Because you had an idea, followed an idea, put up with the drama of an idea (I never believed the twins...btw) and kept moving it forward, you have created the Holiday card of a lifetime! My year in review. 

You have given me the ability to be creative, to laugh, to cry and to move forward with other's encouragement throughout many years now. And while yes, I have maybe adjusted things a bit to look better on Facebook (say goodbye to all the selfies that ended up in the garbage can), I can honestly say, I have had the chance to grow and learn and keep in contact with those that I couldn't keep in contact with before. You have given me the ability to still remain "private" and given me a whole new acronym dictionary: "PM" me. "FB" me, etc. 

See, you have been on a journey with me, Mark....through birthdays, a divorce, parties, deaths and the remarkableness that is my three children. You saw me through finding love again and were at my wedding and you allowed all of my friends and family to be with me through this too. How lucky is that?!

I now "check" myself before I rattle off something on FB...do I really want that out there, as well as I "check" myself with spelling and furthermore, allowing my "likes" to keep me in "check" when I need their support.  

Thanks for providing me with a way to connect with those I love when I can't seem to connect face to face. Thanks for allowing me to post the positive and being forgiving (moving it down the timeline or the ability to delete) when I lose track of things.

Thanks the most for letting me travel all over the country with my husband when he is on the road...I have selfies from many many cities and see pictures of what he is experiencing. Thanks for letting me be with my kids when I can't and say goodnight to them which means the most. 

Most of all, thanks for letting me believe that dreams can become a reality and no dream is ever too big. 

Hopefully you get this before the end of 2013...don't know how often you check the "other" folder, but if you want to catch up...I have got plenty of pictures and stories. 

Sincerely, 
Michelle Johnson (there are thousands....)
Beaver Dam, WI