Strength

Strength

If I’m afraid, it doesn’t mean that I’m not brave.
And if I doubt, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost faith.
And if I fall, if doesn’t mean I can’t go on.
And if I cry, it doesn’t mean that I’m not strong.”
- Jana Stanfield and Karen Taylor-Good, Doesn’t Mean That I’m Not Strong from the CD, Brave Faith

The last line of this quote: “And if I cry, it doesn’t mean that I’m not strong,” resonates through me. I have always been a crier-ever since I could remember, whenever I was feeling any sort of emotion about anything, the tears would come.

In grade school, I never seem to fit in-at least I thought I didn’t. “I didn’t get girls”, is more what it was all about. I thought there was something wrong with me as someone was always mad at me. I didn’t feel like I could trust and as I grew older, I thought it was because I lacked strength…the strength to stand up for myself, the strength to not care what others thought about me. In hindsight, it wasn’t about strength; it was about girls being girls…and me just not going along with the game playing which made me strong. When confronted with someone “being mad at me”, or not wanting to be my friend any more, I would get tears-not necessarily tears because I was sad, but tears because I didn’t understand. Frustration would come in the form of a tissue and some running mascara and some swollen eyes.

In high school, tears came mainly because of my parents. Their strictness was something I didn’t understand. I felt like the rules were stifling me and not allowing me to breathe and I just wanted to be me. I just wanted to have some freedom to find out who I was and to have fun. The strictness was all the way from what I could wear to not being able to talk on the phone to not watching television to having a 10pm curfew no matter what age I was and no matter what day of the week it was. The tears came when I was trying to explain myself and I felt like no matter what, no one was listening. 

Tears came at my wedding. Not happy. Not sad. Just resolved that this situation was better than what I was currently in.

Tears at the birth of my children-I did this! What an amazing, life altering experience! Tears continue to come with raising children. So many peaks and valleys-all the firsts brought tears…and the pride I feel from the very bottom of my soul through every breath I take…the kids know, tears will come-it is just my love for them pouring out of me. 

I have had it pointed out to me on numerous occasions that I am “too emotional”. I get any kind of news and more than likely, there will be tears. When I am beyond angry…there are tears. This “too emotional” comment has made me feel weak. Without being able to explain why I am the way I am, I struggle. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I am stronger than I thought. It took strength to move thousands of miles away with my small children and a husband that worked all the time and make a home away from my home. It took strength to battle skin cancer and other ailments that have come my way. 

It took strength to start saying “no” to all the people that were used to me saying, “Yes” all the time. It took strength to walk away from a marriage that was slowly taking all the life out of me and to finally stand up for myself. I AM important.

Finally, it took strength to start a new relationship-to open my heart to love and trust again…strength that I didn’t know was in me all this time. This strength within is healing me.