The Blog Blues

I have the “Blog Blues”. I could tell myself all the reasons why it is everyone else’s fault, but clearly it is me. I have the issues. I have the hang ups. I have the blues.

This morning, when I finally convinced myself that the floor wasn't going to eat me alive if I put my toes on it (has anyone else had that feeling as a kid?) and drew myself slowly out of my cocoon of blankets, I decided that I was going to get ready in silence today.

Normally, I would have the local radio station on and I would listen to my husband on his morning show and pick up my phone to text him constantly, trying to add my two cents worth only to have him not read the texts until way later. 

If the kids are home, Lauren will have her “getting ready for school” music on and I, in an act of utter horror to her and utter joy to me, will ask her to turn it up and proceed to sing along. What doesn’t a good rap song get you in the mood for anyway? The worst thing I could possibly do is to add some “hip” dance moves and I really throw some good moves in in my big girl panties and bra on as I strut by her room. GASP.

Yes, proof that I do have a fun and carefree side dipped in a little bit of evil as far as my kids go.

I digress.

Today, it is just me and silence and I make this choice because I woke up thinking about something that I have been thinking about a lot lately-writing.

When I was in grade school and high school, I fancied myself a writer. Even more, to boost my writing ego, I had poems published and short stories and wrote the lyrics to our class song for graduation, in which yes, I sang in front of everyone (and I have never fancied myself as a singer), but didn't care because my best friend wrote the notes itself and I wrote the words and it would forever go down in history as the song no one will remember as the class song because it never was a song that you could hear on the radio and could turn and say to your kids, “Hey, kids, this was our class song”.  In hindsight, this was brilliant on my part because I can make it anything I want it to be. I can tell tales of how everyone was in tears and then had their lighters out and asked for autographs and I was asked to write more songs for more graduations. I could say that the boys needed my phone number because they wanted to keep in touch with me when I became famous. All of this was not the truth, of course.

Lately, I have had this song in my head: 

NE-YO, “Let Me Love You (Until You Learn to Love Yourself)".

The song applies a lot to me and not at all to me all at once. Here is the first verse:

               “Much as you blame yourself, you can’t be blamed for the way you feel,

               Had no example of a love, that was even remotely real,

               How can you understand something that you never had” 

(Up until here is all what I could say if I were to write the song), and then it goes into:

“Ooh baby if you let me, I can help you out with all of that. Girl, let me love you and I will love you until you learn to love yourself. Girl let me love you and all your trouble, don’t be afraid, girl let me help, Girl let me love you and I will love you until you learn to love yourself.”

 (That is the money line for me…the one that tugs at my heart strings and makes me realize that if my husband could write this he would have).  Then it goes on to say:

               “Girl let me love you. A heart of numbness, gets brought to life, I’ll take you there.”

This is followed by a series of “Girl’s” and “Baby” and “Yo” and“Love you”, “Love me”, ya-da ya-da.

Next verse:        

“I can see the pain behind your eyes, it’s been there for quite a while. I just wanna be the one to remind what it is to smile. I would like to show you what true love can really do. Girl…” (insert all the above series of lines), and then “A heart of numbness gets brought to life, I’ll take you there.”

That basically is the song. The song moved me. It did. I kept thinking, now that’s love, hanging in there carrying you when you can’t carry yourself. However, upon further review, I have no like for the song at all. Ne-Yo, or anyone who dares say those words, needs to know that no amount of love or carrying or anything like that will get someone to love themselves. It is a nice gesture, but unnecessary and really not true.

So, say one day, that person all of a sudden starts to love themselves and thinks, “I don’t need you, Ne-Yo, to tell me what to do. I am perfectly capable of this love thing all by myself”.  Then what happens?

…back to me getting ready this morning…

I am taking a good hard look at myself in the mirror. “What’s it going to take to make me happy? What do I have to do to take the power back into my own hands and allow myself to be happy? What tools am I missing?”

I know what I used to love to do that brought me so much joy and that was what lead me to my, “Blog Blues”.

I loved to blog. Nothing was off limits. Nothing was too trivial and I didn’t care if anyone read it or not, it just felt good to do it. Then, the unspeakable happened. I, unknowingly, had breached blog etiquette, if there is such a thing and did a heinous, unspeakable crime. I blogged about something that made someone else angry because they thought it was about them. (The song, “You’re so Vain,” is now playing in the background of my head). Next line:

“You probably think this blog is about you”.

The blog was mine. The thoughts were mine. The feelings were mine and now, someone else’s emotions and feelings were running the show and ruining the joy I felt by letting the words flow.  That was it. End of scene.

Did I mention I am stubborn? Pig headed? Don’t like to be told what to do? Did I also mention that even though I am all those things, I will listen to everyone else before I will listen to myself? True story.

So, days went into weeks. Weeks went into months and blogging was always on my mind. It is like the boyfriend that is your world and then he breaks up with you and you are constantly running into him and he is looking so good and you end up just hating him. That was how I felt about blogs. I kept running into links for blogs that I used to read, wanted to read, should read, but would resist reading because I was angry and didn't like it that someone else could blog and I couldn't.

Who put these rules on me? When did I become the bitter blogger? When did I get the “Blog Blues”?

While putting the finishing touches on my makeup and taking one last look at myself, I decided that today was the day. No matter what, I would write. As soon as that thought entered my head there was a bit of lightheaded, swirling, a bit of clamminess and self-doubt.

That was when I realized that the “Blog Blues” had me down, way down deep and I had to enlist the help of my fellow musical geniuses for some insight.

 I sent a quick text out: “What’s your favorite Blues Song, GO!” Notice, I didn't ask why. I wanted to experience for myself the answers I got back and feel for myself what those songs said to me.

Blues Song-Entry #1

Blind Willie McTell

Statesboro Blues

Wake up momma, you got to turn your lamps down low, Wake up momma, turn your lamps down low, you got no nerve baby to turn Uncle John from your door.  Woke up this morning, I had them Statesboro Blues. Woke up this morning, had them Statesboro Blues. When I looked over in the corner, baby, Even your Grandpa seemed to have them too.

My momma died and left me, my poppa died and left me, I ain’t good looking baby but I’m someone sweet and kind. And I’m going to the country, baby do you wanna go? Your sister Lucille said she wanna go and I sure will take her.

Love that woman, better than any woman I’ve ever seen, I love that woman, better than any woman I’ve ever seen, I treat her like a doggone queen. Wake up momma, you got to turn your lamps down low, Wake up momma, turn your lamps down low, you got no nerve baby to turn Uncle John from your door.” 

At first glance at the lyrics, there was a bit of an eye roll from me and I just thought, what in the world is this even talking about? Then, I took the time to listen to each rendition of the song and found it to be very intriguing. The gist of it to me is that Mama isn’t letting Papa into the house and all the kids and family are now suffering because of it and Papa is threatening that he won’t ask again to come back, basically throwing down a threat.

Statesboro Blues

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In 2005, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution ranked "Statesboro Blues" number 57 on its list of 100 Songs of the South.

Blues Song-Entry #2

                                                                                               Albert King

Road House Blues

“The moon is risin’, an’ it done got lonesome here. I said, the moon is  risin’, baby, an’ it done got lonesome, here, but baby, I wish you were near.

IF I ever get lucky yeah, an’ win my train fare home, Well, if I ever get lucky buddy, an’ win my train fare home, Oh, the moment that I do, darlin’ You can say your man is comin’ home, yeah.

It’s so hard, trying’ to make it all by yourself, yeah, I say it’s so hard, yeah yea, tryin’ to make it all by yourself, yeah. Oh an’ the woman that you’re really lovin’, she done gone off with someone else, um!

There’s no use ta cryin’, oh, ‘cause your crying’ won’t help you none, woo! Hey, I said it’s no use ta cryin’, buddy, because your cryin’ won’t help you none. You’ll fall in love again an’ she’ll keep you always on the run, yeah.

I say, if I ever get lucky (yeah, that’s my son!) an’ win my train fare home, oooo Lordy, Have you ever felt like that? Oh, if I ever get lucky, buddy yeah, an’ win my train fare home, yeah yeah! Oh, the day that I do, angel. you can bet your life, old Albert is gone, yeah.

Oh wen ya see me comin’, baby yeah, I want ya to raise your window high, woo! Hey, when ya see me comin’ home, babe, I want ya to raise your window high, yeah yeah. But when I turn an’ leave little girl, I want you to hang your head an’ cry, Woo, Lord have mercy! Lord have mercy!

Five Long Years

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Five Long Years is a moderate-tempo song that tells of "the history of the metal worker who, for five years, worked hard in a factory and who gave his check every Friday night to his girlfriend, who nevertheless dumped him"

Blues Song-entry #3

"Texas Flood"

Stevie Ray Vaughan

Well there's floodin' down in Texas
All of the telephone lines are down
Well there's floodin' down in Texas
All of the telephone lines are down
And I've been tryin' to call my baby
Lord and I can't get a single sound

Well dark clouds are rollin' in
Man I'm standin' out in the rain
Well dark clouds are rollin' in
Man I'm standin' out in the rain
Yeah flood water keep a rollin'
Man it's about to drive poor me insane

Well I'm leavin' you baby
Lord and I'm goin' back home to stay
Well I'm leavin' you baby
Lord and I'm goin' back home to stay
Well back home are no floods or tornados
Baby and the sun shines every day

Texas Flood (song)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Texas Flood" (sometimes called "Stormin' in Texas" or "Flood Down in Texas") is a blues song recorded by Larry Davis in 1958. Original song "Texas Flood" is a slow-song about a flood in Texas. Davis used it as a metaphor for his relationship problems:

I had some other entries: Roadhouse Blues by The Doors being one of them and that was one that I just couldn't touch with my thoughts for various reasons. All these songs had a meaning to me.

If I were to write my “Blog Blues” song, it would be where blogging was playing the role of my love interest. I would have a lot of piano in my blues song. I love the pounding of the keys and that sound moves me.

Here we go:

You let me down, baby,

Your words gave me away.

You let me down, baby,

When the heat came out today.

No matter what you do, baby, I want you back to stay.

You let me down, baby,

You took my fun away.

You let me down, baby,

You took my words away.

No matter what you took baby, I want you back to stay.

You let me down, baby,

You made me feel so whole.

You let me down, baby,

With you I have no soul.

No matter how I feel baby, I want you back to stay.

Others talked about you, baby,

I should have shut them down.

Others talked about you, baby,

I should have shut them down.

Others talked about you, not knowing what they say,

Others talked about you baby,

I should have walked away,

Others talked about you baby and I want you back to stay.

I don’t know if you can hear it. I hear it.

It is my “Blog Blues” melting away.

The beat of the song has shown me the way.

If I can stay strong, baby, you’ll be back always.