$4.98 Grilled Cheese

Everyone has that diner/restaurant in their hometown-you know the one-the one where they are still wearing the uniforms you remember them wearing when you were a kid. I am not talking the same exact ones, but a diner that prefers to go to the stand by uniform that has worked for years.

Everyone has that diner/restaurant where you gather and the coffee still costs a few coins that you leave on the table. The waitresses have been there since the beginning and won’t quit there until they are no longer with us on this earth.

Everyone has that diner/restaurant where you feel warm inside when you walk in the door and you know you will be greeted with a smile-always.

I hadn’t visited our local diner/restaurant in quite some time. Lunch choices led me to pick the restaurant with a smile, thinking about the warmth and the comfort that would surround me when I stepped in.

I met my friend at the restaurant and was immediately taken back to a different time/place. The glitter purple eye shadow on the greeter with the 80’s hair, the fresh baked goodies in the display and the Halloween decorations where ever the eye could see. I was home.

The chatter between the two best kind of girl friends erupted and the menus lay unopened on the table. Several visits from the waitress encouraged us to make a decision. I knew what I wanted. A grilled cheese sandwich-one that only could bring more comfort and warmth to me and make the lunch even more special…no fries… just the sandwich.

The laughter and banter continued. The sandwich came with two hamburger pickle slices-a simple sandwich.

Suddenly lunch was over. It always happens that way. Time runs away and gives no warning. That is when the bill came. Not a cross thought came to mind as I picked up the bill. Never once did I think I was about to be robbed. My heart stopped. $4.98 for a plain grilled cheese sandwich?! No fancy bread. No fancy cheese. No extra toppings. Nothing but a stinking grilled cheese sandwich. Do I share with my friend my disgust?! My family diner/restaurant had basically just kicked me in the stomach.

I do the lean in and let my friend know that I had been robbed. The stunned look on her face confirmed that I had, indeed been robbed. I began to look around at the old booths, the old tables and chairs, the originals by the looks of it, the cheesy Halloween decorations taunting me. What just happened? When did the diner become so dismal and overpriced?!

I went to the check out with a heavy heart. No dessert for me. No treats to bring home to my family. My grilled cheese sandwich gave me a heavy heart. Times are changing and I realized that someday, I will tell my grandchildren that a grilled cheese used to cost $4.98 and it will seem like  a deal. 

Birth Certificate

Today was a milestone. Today, I applied for a marriage license. Second time, however it is the first time in my memory. The real first time is missing in action…lost somewhere in the recesses of my mind, for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Today: Best day of my life. More powerful than receiving the ring and the question even-not sure why. My life was lying out on a desk in front of me at the clerk of courts. Birth certificate. Driver’s license. Passport. Divorce decree. $70. Beside me, the man that has captured my heart and my soul…is signing at the dotted line, saying that he promises to marry me.

“Please check everything in this paperwork and make sure that it is correct.” Eyes swimming over the words-I know that they should say something-I just am feeling very emotional and that emotion is clouding my ability to read, like fog on the windshield…I want to see through, but I can’t.

William Thomas Johnson is marrying Michelle Lee Kaping.

Eight words that have changed me beyond what I can put into words. HOPE. Eight words surround me with comfort, warmth and excitement all at once.

I look over. I can hardly breathe. The clouds of emotion clear and I read through the paperwork. I pick up the pen and have never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

William Thomas Johnson has given me a new birthday. My life is beginning again because he showed me it could. I feel like I should lean over and thank him for introducing me to myself. I have been missing “me” my entire life. I am so excited. I want to get to know me. I am so grateful for the love without strings that he has given me. Unconditional…beautiful…true…love forever and ever no matter what.

The pen slides over the paper…my name appears on the line. The clerk tells me the license will be in the mail on August 23^rd and then tells us to have a good day. She has no idea she should be filling out the birth certificate as from this day forward, I truly feel alive for the first time.  

I Don't Sleep

“In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep, Through the desert of truth,To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean, We all start in the streams, We're all carried along, By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night.”

-Billy Joel-River of Dreams

I love the song, River of Dreams, by Billy Joel. Catchy tune, catchy lyrics and yet I have to admit that it strikes a bad chord in me as well because I don’t sleep. I want a river of dreams to wash over me and drown me, at least for one 8-10 hour period.

At the end of this month, it will be three years since I have “slept through the night”-not by choice. I want to sleep. I spend a good percentage of my waking hours thinking about sleeping. I obsess. Sleep has become an out of reach dream.

I have three teenage children who have no problem sleeping. They seem to sleep all the time…taunting me with their numerous hours in a row of uninterrupted, carefree slumber. I am marrying a man that can fall asleep sitting up even. He can have night terrors; wake up screaming and yelling and instantly fall back to sleep- calm, peaceful, deep sleep. Sometimes, I stare at them, in the middle of the night and the envy is so thick that a knife could not begin to cut through it. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy that they can sleep. It is a gift to be treasured and they all need it. I need it. It isn’t happening for me.

I don’t know what I would do if I would sleep. I get so many things covered when I lay awake thinking. I have been using that time to think about all that is wrong and I should be using it to think about what’s right! I have time to dream while being awake and I haven’t been using that as an asset. If I could get my thoughts more focused on the positive during my quiet night, I truly could change my life faster. There is a reason I haven’t been sleeping, I just wasn’t seeing it.  

Strength

Strength

If I’m afraid, it doesn’t mean that I’m not brave.
And if I doubt, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost faith.
And if I fall, if doesn’t mean I can’t go on.
And if I cry, it doesn’t mean that I’m not strong.”
- Jana Stanfield and Karen Taylor-Good, Doesn’t Mean That I’m Not Strong from the CD, Brave Faith

The last line of this quote: “And if I cry, it doesn’t mean that I’m not strong,” resonates through me. I have always been a crier-ever since I could remember, whenever I was feeling any sort of emotion about anything, the tears would come.

In grade school, I never seem to fit in-at least I thought I didn’t. “I didn’t get girls”, is more what it was all about. I thought there was something wrong with me as someone was always mad at me. I didn’t feel like I could trust and as I grew older, I thought it was because I lacked strength…the strength to stand up for myself, the strength to not care what others thought about me. In hindsight, it wasn’t about strength; it was about girls being girls…and me just not going along with the game playing which made me strong. When confronted with someone “being mad at me”, or not wanting to be my friend any more, I would get tears-not necessarily tears because I was sad, but tears because I didn’t understand. Frustration would come in the form of a tissue and some running mascara and some swollen eyes.

In high school, tears came mainly because of my parents. Their strictness was something I didn’t understand. I felt like the rules were stifling me and not allowing me to breathe and I just wanted to be me. I just wanted to have some freedom to find out who I was and to have fun. The strictness was all the way from what I could wear to not being able to talk on the phone to not watching television to having a 10pm curfew no matter what age I was and no matter what day of the week it was. The tears came when I was trying to explain myself and I felt like no matter what, no one was listening. 

Tears came at my wedding. Not happy. Not sad. Just resolved that this situation was better than what I was currently in.

Tears at the birth of my children-I did this! What an amazing, life altering experience! Tears continue to come with raising children. So many peaks and valleys-all the firsts brought tears…and the pride I feel from the very bottom of my soul through every breath I take…the kids know, tears will come-it is just my love for them pouring out of me. 

I have had it pointed out to me on numerous occasions that I am “too emotional”. I get any kind of news and more than likely, there will be tears. When I am beyond angry…there are tears. This “too emotional” comment has made me feel weak. Without being able to explain why I am the way I am, I struggle. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I am stronger than I thought. It took strength to move thousands of miles away with my small children and a husband that worked all the time and make a home away from my home. It took strength to battle skin cancer and other ailments that have come my way. 

It took strength to start saying “no” to all the people that were used to me saying, “Yes” all the time. It took strength to walk away from a marriage that was slowly taking all the life out of me and to finally stand up for myself. I AM important.

Finally, it took strength to start a new relationship-to open my heart to love and trust again…strength that I didn’t know was in me all this time. This strength within is healing me.